The Vampire Wore Prada

- by Denise Dietz

My mystery novel, EYE OF NEWT stars a “reluctant witch.” The book goes back and forth between the present and 1692 Salem: “Practical Magic meets The Crucible.”

I then decided to write a crime fiction story starring a vampire. Having never met one face-to-face, I knew I had some intense research to do, and somehow I didn’t think Google would fly. So I looked up Vampires in the Yellow Pages. It took 3 phone calls, after midnight, but I finally found one who was willing to talk to me.

Deni: Thank you so much for agreeing to meet me, Mr…what do I call you?

Vampire: Rice. My name is Rice.

Deni: Like, Anne Rice?

Vampire: Never heard of her. My name is Rex Rice, but most people just call me Rice.

Deni: Okay, um, Rice. Thanks again. I really do appreciate it.

Vampire: You’re velcome. I’m glad you’re a redhead. I love the color red.

Deni: Yes, well (glancing down at notes), where are you from?

Vamp: California. But I’m always looking for new locales. I visited Salem’s Lot once. Didn’t like it.

Deni: Whoa. Wait. You’re not from Transylvania?

Vamp: Never heard of the place.

Deni: I’ve read about vampires, of course, and seen movies. But I had no idea they … you … looked so … well, normal. You could be the bachelor on one of those bachelor TV shows, especially with that chest. Do you wax it?

Vamp: I do.

Deni: And your dimples are to die for. I mean, live for.

Vamp: Thank you. Out of curiosity, vhat do you write?

Deni: Historical romances as Mary Ellen Dennis and crime fiction as Denise Dietz. That’s DIET with a ‘Z.’ I was thinking about creating a vampire detective. Why are you shaking your head?

Vamp: It wouldn’t vork, unless he vorked the night shift. Or if he only vorked on cloudy days. Maybe if he lived in a Lincoln Continental. With tinted windows.

Deni: How about a vampire cop?

Vamp: Same problem.

Deni: I see your point. No offense. I mean, your fangs and all.

Vamp: Freudian slip. Happens all the time.

Deni: How about sunscreen? Maybe I could concoct a special, secret, government sunscreen, a la Dean Koontz.

Vamp: Sunscreen might vork, or maybe Mime makeup. If a Mime fell in the forest, would anyone know? (laughs) Do you have a title for your story?

Deni: I was thinking of calling it ‘The Vampire Wore Prada,’ but now I’m thinking ‘The Lincoln Vampire’ might fly.

Vamp: Yes.

Deni: Yes, vhat? I mean, what?

Vamp: I thought you were asking if I could fly. The answer is yes.

Deni: That’s good to know. It could be an important plot element. Do you change into a bat, first?

Vamp: You’ve been vatching too much TV. Or too many Bela Lugosi movies. Vy vould I vant to be a bat? All that guano. Ick.

Deni: Sorry. I don’t usually stereotype. So, no detective protagonist and no cop. What, exactly would you like to be?

Vamp: Your perp.

Deni: Perp? How do you know that word?

Vamp: Vhat? You think vampires can’t read? Some of my best friends are librarians.

Deni: If you were my perp, who … whom would you kill? I mean, who would you bite?

Vampire: Stephen King.

Anyone in the market for a story called THE VAMPIRE WORE SUNSCREEN?

7 comments

  1. Love the interview!

  2. Thanks, Estella. I tried to contact Rex Rice, to tell him about the blog, but he’s starring in an HBO series based on Charlaine Harris’s terrific mystery novels.

  3. Great interview and my kind of book. :)

  4. Oh, what a great interview! Laughing and happy. Is Rice a real person? Heavens. THE VAMPIRE WORE PRADA, OR SUNSCREEN. Howling funny, all the way through. I have to read this book!

  5. Oh, may I put a link to you on my website? Off to look at your books.

  6. Maybe this will give the impetus for Prada to market their own sunscreen. Make sure you receive a share of the profits!

  7. Very interesting article and many ways to look at this subject. Many are closed in their thoughts and need to open up a little.