My mystery novel, EYE OF NEWT stars a “reluctant witch.” The book goes back and forth between the present and 1692 Salem: “Practical Magic meets The Crucible.”

I then decided to write a crime fiction story starring a vampire. Having never met one face-to-face, I knew I had some intense research to do, and somehow I didn’t think Google would fly. So I looked up Vampires in the Yellow Pages. It took 3 phone calls, after midnight, but I finally found one who was willing to talk to me.

Deni: Thank you so much for agreeing to meet me, Mr…what do I call you?

Vampire: Rice. My name is Rice.

Deni: Like, Anne Rice?

Vampire: Never heard of her. My name is Rex Rice, but most people just call me Rice.

Deni: Okay, um, Rice. Thanks again. I really do appreciate it.

Vampire: You’re velcome. I’m glad you’re a redhead. I love the color red.

Deni: Yes, well (glancing down at notes), where are you from?

Vamp: California. But I’m always looking for new locales. I visited Salem’s Lot once. Didn’t like it.

Deni: Whoa. Wait. You’re not from Transylvania?

Vamp: Never heard of the place.

Deni: I’ve read about vampires, of course, and seen movies. But I had no idea they … you … looked so … well, normal. You could be the bachelor on one of those bachelor TV shows, especially with that chest. Do you wax it?

Vamp: I do.

Deni: And your dimples are to die for. I mean, live for.

Vamp: Thank you. Out of curiosity, vhat do you write?

Deni: Historical romances as Mary Ellen Dennis and crime fiction as Denise Dietz. That’s DIET with a ‘Z.’ I was thinking about creating a vampire detective. Why are you shaking your head?

Vamp: It wouldn’t vork, unless he vorked the night shift. Or if he only vorked on cloudy days. Maybe if he lived in a Lincoln Continental. With tinted windows.

Deni: How about a vampire cop?

Vamp: Same problem.

Deni: I see your point. No offense. I mean, your fangs and all.

Vamp: Freudian slip. Happens all the time.

Deni: How about sunscreen? Maybe I could concoct a special, secret, government sunscreen, a la Dean Koontz.

Vamp: Sunscreen might vork, or maybe Mime makeup. If a Mime fell in the forest, would anyone know? (laughs) Do you have a title for your story?

Deni: I was thinking of calling it ‘The Vampire Wore Prada,’ but now I’m thinking ‘The Lincoln Vampire’ might fly.

Vamp: Yes.

Deni: Yes, vhat? I mean, what?

Vamp: I thought you were asking if I could fly. The answer is yes.

Deni: That’s good to know. It could be an important plot element. Do you change into a bat, first?

Vamp: You’ve been vatching too much TV. Or too many Bela Lugosi movies. Vy vould I vant to be a bat? All that guano. Ick.

Deni: Sorry. I don’t usually stereotype. So, no detective protagonist and no cop. What, exactly would you like to be?

Vamp: Your perp.

Deni: Perp? How do you know that word?

Vamp: Vhat? You think vampires can’t read? Some of my best friends are librarians.

Deni: If you were my perp, who … whom would you kill? I mean, who would you bite?

Vampire: Stephen King.

Anyone in the market for a story called THE VAMPIRE WORE SUNSCREEN?